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Saturday, 16 August 2008 06:01 |
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Copyright 2006 Cole"s Poetic License
One week before Father"s Day.
Father"s Day, that once a year tribute to Dad, is fraught with
confusion. Many offspring pay no more than lip service to it
through phone calls or commercial cards.
Because 70% of U.S. prisoners grew up without a father and
because poets use few words to get to the heart of things, they
encourage brief hand-written communication to all fathers
whether or not they live with you, whether or not they are still
living. Therefore, three poets in San Luis Obispo, California
added Write-to-Your-Father"s Day to the calendar of U.S.
National Holidays.
"Okay," you might ask, "What do I write to my Dad? "I love you"
would be a lie and the truth would just hurt him."
One of the poets answers "Simply write and ask your father what
he does or did that is 1. Most enjoyable, 2 Most scary, 3. Most
exciting and 4. Most satisfying.
Don"t expect an answer. If you don"t know where he is, write his
answer as you imagine it. Repeat the question each year, adding
to it briefly when you desire.
There will be results. Risk them."
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER?
Take the following survey to see where you fall on the scale.
"How well do you know your father on a scale of one to ten, with
one standing for "Who?" and ten for "very well"?"
Who?1___2___3___4___5___6___7___8___9___10 Very well
In a survey of 100 random adults,
11 chose 10, 7 chose 9, 15 chose 8, 12 chose 7, 3 chose 6, 3
chose 5, 17 chose 4, 9 chose 3, 13 chose 2, 10 chose 1
The younger the respondent, the more likely he or she asked,
"Which father?"
One comment, typical of many, came by email. An adult son wrote,
"Both my bio dad and step dad are gone from this earth. And I
never really knew either one. They were men troubled all their
lives and suffered John Wayne Syndrome."
Another: "What an interesting question. I neither knew my father
nor my father-in-law despite years with them."
The National "Write-to-your-Father"s Day" one week before
Father"s Day encourages an end to silent suffering, to John
Wayne syndromes, to bitterness and loneliness.
Writing letters to fathers whether or not they are still alive,
whether or not there"s a known address, changes the writer for
the better. And delivered letters change the fathers.
Here"s one that came by email. This writer didn"t ask his father
the suggested questions. Because he was one of the few that
chose number ten on the scale, he felt that he knew the answers.
Feel what happened, though, when he wrote to his long dead
father:
"Dear Dad,
How is the weather down there? I know it must be particularly
hot this time of year. I was asked by someone how well I know my
father. I know you well enough to know that if they have an air
conditioning concession down there, then you have total
distribution rights and you have by now probably cornered the
market on ice cream as well.
And that"s good, Dad; I know you had a hell of time on earth
especially during the time that you and I were alive
simultaneously. I know it wasn"t easy being the blind black
sheep of a family of Mississippi plantation owners. I guess if
anything confused me growing up, it was how you could hold two
opposing views on things like skin color.
I should tell you I have done most of the things that you tried
to teach me not to do, most of which you were doing too, but
would never admit it, being a hypocrite"s hypocrite in a land of
champion hypocrites. That is one of the few things that you told
me not to do that I have been relatively successful at.
I am sorry it took me so long to write. If the poets had come up
with their "Write Your Father" holiday earlier, I would have
written you sooner.
I hope you do OK down there. I know it is probably too hot for
you to throw those tantrums you used to throw when I would
demonstrate my extreme absentmindedness. I have not gotten any
better by the way. Remember how you used to call me all those
names wrapped in epithets when I would forget something?
Well, I tell you what, Dad. If you can forgive my
absentmindedness, I will forgive you your tantrums. Let"s call
it even. I love you as much as you loved me, Dad, and you know
that is more than zero.
Wishing you a hell of a time, Your son"
=============================
When a son knows his father"s love is more than zero, he knows
something truly significant no matter how late he discovers it.
When all of us recognize the role of our fathers in our
subconscious thoughts about ourselves, we gain greater control
of our lives.
Help spread the word: Write-to-Your-Father"s Day is one week
before Father"s Day. In 2006 it will be June 11.
The more you know your father, the better you know yourself.
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Saturday, 26 July 2008 03:01 |
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For most of us, our first father is God. A large majority of the
world considers God as their father; or rather call God as their
father. God is father to all in such believing families. What
about biological fathers? How does one become a good father?
What are the yardsticks by which we measure the goodness of a
father?
This is a subject for discussion and application of thought. Who
is the final judge about the goodness of the father? The mother?
The children? The society? What qualities should a man possess
to be called a good father? These questions generate a bigger
debate.
Can a mother judge her husband about his goodness as a father?
That judgment can depend on so many probabilities. What are her
yardsticks? How was her father? What are her beliefs? Do these
beliefs match those of her husband? How much does she love her
husband and her children? If it comes to taking sides, whose
side will she take? Will it be a well thought-out decision or
one colored by many other factors?
Can the father judge his own goodness? What may be correct
according to him, may be wrong according to her children? The
man carries his psychological baggage and many times may be
prejudging and expecting responses. Generation gap plays a
bigger role. As the world progresses, priorities, tastes,
values, everything undergoes change. Therefore a man himself
cannot pronounce himself as a good father. Children will contest
that, if he does not accept their beliefs. Which child will call
his father a good father, if the father has set ideas about
partying, relationships, studies, etc.
Can the children judge their father? That is difficult to
believe. The children surely wish for a father who not only
agrees with their ideas, but supports them in all possible ways
in enjoying life. What if a child is such that he believes that
enjoying life is more important than studying for examinations?
If we think more about this subject, it will result into more
confusion. What is to be thought about fatherhood and how does
one become a good father? The best way out might be to accept
the generation gap, listen to children before giving orders,
have a fair debate on all important issues, and tell children
exactly about values that will decide the final action. After
doing all this, one should simply do one"s duty and leave the
rest to prayers. And before attempting to become a good father,
one should first become a good man. A drug addict can never
become a good father, nor a habitual liar.
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Tuesday, 15 July 2008 00:01 |
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Why bother reading YET ANOTHER study, grinding out the
insignificant details of why we have YET ANOTHER social problem?
ALL problems in our society really only come from ONE problem.
The trouble in our past, present and future can be explained in
one simple sentence...
Failing fathers create challenging and troubled children!
I"ll prove it...
Let me take you on a brief tour of the history of "failing
fathers" so you can see what kind of children they"ve produced.
Let"s start with Saddam Hussein...
When Saddam"s father left the family, it was up to his mother to
raise him. When she could not, he was given over to his uncle
Khairallah Tulfah, an army officer and Arab nationalist.
A deep bond between Saddam and Khairallah developed.
When Saddam was still a boy, Khairallah was expelled from the
army and sent to prison for 5 years because of his public
sympathy for Adolf Hitler and the Nazi belief system.
With Khairallah away at prison, young Saddam was sent back to
live with his mother who had remarried a poor and reportedly
lazy man named Hassan Al-Ibrahim.
Saddam"s step father found him to be nothing but an
inconvenience. When he was not neglecting Saddam, Hassan
Al-Ibrahim would repeatedly abuse him.
And what kind of adult did Saddam grow up to be?
I don"t think I even need to answer that.
Let"s move on to Adolph Hitler...
Adolph"s father was more than strict. Adolph"s older brother ran
away from home to avoid the violent beatings from his father.
Adolph"s father then shifted his attention to Adolph who then
received daily beatings from his father.
What about Joseph Stalin?
Joseph Stalin"s father was frequently drunk and often inflicted
brutal blows on young Joseph.
Stalin"s years of cruel treatment from his father developed a
vindictive attitude that created his desire for revenge against
any figure of authority.
Now let"s look at the children of FAITHFUL fathers...
George Washington"s memory of his father instilled a work ethic
and integrity into George at an early age. Even though his
father didn"t live to see George"s twelfth birthday, he fully
imprinted his POSITIVE values on George during his most
impressionable years.
Martin Luther King Jr. had one particular childhood memory
etched into his mind regarding his father. He recalled his
father taking him to Atlanta"s segregated downtown to buy shoes.
When the clerk insisted that both father and son move to the
back of the store to be waited on, Martin Jr. watched his father
speak firmly to the clerk saying, "We"ll either buy shoes
sitting here or we won"t buy shoes at all."
Martin Senior took Jr."s hand and confidently walked out of the
store.
The LAST example...
Football coaching legend Vince Lombardi is quoted endlessly. His
father, Harry Lombardi, regaled his children with philosophies
about freedom and responsibility. He consistently lectured them
on his triangle of success: sense of duty, respect for authority
and strong mental discipline.
So there you have it.
Saddam Hussein, Joseph Stalin and Adolph Hitler are children of
FAILING fathers. George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr. and
Vince Lombardi are children of FAITHFUL fathers.
Which did YOU have? A FAILING father or a FAITHFUL father?
To find out, give your father a "Real Dad Score".
The following definition sets the standard for what a TRUE
father must be in order to produce a positive and productive
child.
The first thing you need to do is scan your memories during the
first ten years of your life. Throughout those years, rate your
father according to the following definition on a scale of
1-100%, (With 100 being the highest rating)
REAL DAD DEFINITION: My dad was consistently tough but fair. He
took a genuine interest in the challenges, opportunities and
joys of each of his unique children.
Look back at your childhood years with your father.
If your father"s score is in the 90"s, chances are, you"re
already successful. If you rated your father in the 80"s, you"re
leading a content life with very few struggles.
The 70"s mean you may have some issues, but they"re not anything
you can"t work around. Read Dad scores in the 60"s indicate the
beginning of life troubles.
Real Dad scores in the 50"s and below create a troublesome life
unless you deliberately rebel against the way you were raised.
When your Real Dad score drops below the 50"s, the effects can
be seen in your career, marriage, social life and the lives of
your OWN children as well.
You"ve heard the slogan, "The apple doesn"t fall far from the
tree", but now you can see how it applies to real life.
And that"s the profound truth.
Fathers create the quality of "apple" (son/daughter) and with
few exceptions, apples remain where they fall.
If you have troubles today, it"s NOT your fault, but it IS your
responsibility to take control of them. Should you place blame
on your father and be angry that he saddled you with these
problems?
Of course not.
What your father did or didn"t do DOESN"T MATTER ANYMORE.
It"s HISTORY. There"s nothing you can do to change your past.
Since your father can"t repair the damage he did, placing blame
on him only gives you temporary emotional relief, but that will
quickly wear off leaving you back to square 1 - STUCK with your
emotional pain once again.
Bottom line?
Don"t blame your dad for what he did back in your childhood. He
did what he did based on what HE KNEW at the time. (What he
learned from HIS father.)
This is the reason why generations of successful families
produce generations of successful adults as seen in the
Rockefellers.
It also explains why there are "crime families".
If you didn"t have a Real Dad yourself, you can STILL change the
course of history for YOUR CHILDREN.
Start by focusing on following the "Real Dad" definition and
applying it to every situation with your children.
Repeat the definition to yourself during those times when your
children challenge you and test your patience. You must resist
the urge to give in to your negative feelings that tell you
otherwise.
YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU TO SUCCEED. They NEED a FAITHFUL father.
Now that you have a clear target or goal that you can strive to
achieve, focus on the Real Dad definition.
It will keep you going in the right direction and ensure that
you raise a confident and successful child who will contribute
to our nation"s future.
And lastly, if you"re a woman reading this thinking it doesn"t
apply to you...THINK AGAIN.
YOUR JOB is to spread the word to the men you know about what a
Real Dad is and why it"s so important to become one.
By doing this, we"ll be able to stop this vicious cycle of
troubled fathers creating troubled children once and for all.
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