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Friday, 06 June 2008 11:00 |
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In a high-divorce society,
not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce,
but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy.
-- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.
When Japanese government officials conceived building an airport
in Narita, little did they know that the airport will later come
to be associated with divorce. Even the engineers and architects
who dreamt up the plan, forgot to dream about wedlocks and
goodbyes. Morpheus, the god of dreams, did not remember it to
them.
Now, the term, Narita divorce has been coined for the newlyweds
who on arrival at Narita Airport after a honeymoon, immediately
head to the court to file divorce papers. Bad word!
Marriages have been known to hit the rocks, the night after the
weeding day. Some may wait to happen after the birth of the
first child, while others may choose to divorce after their
golden jubilee.
The story of broken marriages -- marital bliss turned marital
misery, is worldwide. And this is happening despite an army of
psychologists, psychiatrists, clergymen and other counselors
offering advice on marriage, including a horde of publications
on the subject. People have even written best-sellers, offering
advice on broken families. Ask Inyanla Vanzant, the author of
the book, YESTERDAY I CRIED.
Lets get some statistics. Britain has the highest divorce rate
in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages), Canada and Japan (1 out of 3
marriages), Zimbabwe (2 out of every 5 marriage) and Spain (1
out of 8 marriages.) Also in Australia, divorce rates has
quadrupled since the 1980s, and in the United States and other
lands, teenage mothers, and children born out of wedlock, has
been on the rise.
In other countries, like Germany, the traditional family has
totally been abandoned. In that country, single persons and
individuals account for a majority of the families. And in
France, people are marrying less, and divorcing more.
The effect of broken families -- the oldest human institution --
is already telling on us. What with the violence that we see
around us today?
Family disintegration has led to the fall of great empires like
Rome and Greece. May it not lead to the end of our civilization!
But why are married couples increasingly getting divorce
certificates or simply living as roommates, or what has been
called emotional divorce? Because they started their marriages
with the wrong foot. And head to the wrong people to seek advice
-- marriage counselors.
These series of articles will help you to get your marriage to a
good start, and stay married. Because it will tell you Gods
view about marriage. And since God is the creator and originator
of marriage, he is the best authority on this matter.
In these series, you will find answers to questions that you may
have asked such as: How can I find a compatible mate? What are
the rules of dating? How do I know if I am ready for marriage?
What happens on the wedding day? What is needed for a successful
marriage? How should disagreements be settled? What is my role
in the family? How can a husband get his wifes respect? Why
does a wife need her husbands love? Who is the decision maker?
What about the children? And many more. . .
But first; folks, let us look out for the dangers in a marriage.
Knowing these dangers, like a sailor knowing the location of the
hidden rocks under the sea, will help you to find success in
your courtship and marriage, sex and happiness.
So, what are they?
(To be continued)
(Copyright ) 2002, all rights reserved
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Friday, 06 June 2008 04:00 |
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It seems much easier to
fall in love than to stay in love. --DR. KAREN KAYSER.
Would you want to marry in haste and repent at leisure? No,
folk. May that not be your destiny. But you see, marriage is
like a packed theater with some uninterested spectators wanting
to get out, and other interested ones waiting outside, wishing
to get in.
If you think though that marriage can solve all of your
problems, you are mistaken. Ask a married friend. But it can
give you a measure of security and satisfaction if you play by
the rules.
But we forget the rules, before we rush into matrimony. And when
a sailor forgets his navigation rules, he suffers a shipwreck.
You see, people enter into marriage relationships with little or
no preparation. If you were entering the university for example,
you will be asked to sit for a qualifying exam. You may even be
asked to show other supporting qualifications like the TOEFL if
you were heading for a U.S. university.
But these are small things compared to the permanent
relationship of marriage. Yet the only requirement in the
marriage registry is your signature. Nothing else.
However, there are dangers to watch out for just before you
append your signature to that marriage certificate. And what are
they?
Failed Expectations
People think of marriage as a kind of fiction story where the
characters live happily ever after. But it is never so.
Because the great expectation of your Sleeping Beauty or Prince
Charming may turn out to be a bad dream. The love, attention and
support that you badly craved before marriage may turn out to be
a tale of rejection and disillusion.
Incompatibility
You may also discover after the marriage that both of you are
poles apart -- with different interests. Those characteristics
which were hidden before the marriage now becomes manifest. And
it becomes a story of if I had known. (No thanks to mismatch
and your beguiling mate!)
Conflict
Your Happy Valley or Fortunate Isles, now turns to be a
battlefield of squabbling, fighting, and God forbid -- physical
violence. The very sweet words, like honeycombs which were used
to win your hand in marriage now become weapons of abuse and
war.
Apathy
It may be that you will one day find yourself saying: I am no
longer interested. And then the marriage drags on and on, like
a factory worker tolerating a bad job -- to keep body and soul
together. And one day, apathy turns to hate, and you find
yourself telling your partner that the game is up!
Money
Do not deceive yourself thinking that money will make you happy.
It does the opposite, says Paul Getty the American millionaire.
Now suppose there is bickering over money in a joint venture? Or
suppose your previously rich spouse now suffers financial
misfortune? And you who were used to summer holidays in the
Virgin Islands, and cruising in yachts in the Mediterranean now
see poverty and hardship staring at you in the face? What will
you do?
Parenthood
You may find out that the love you had for your mate now begins
to drop when children start coming in. The reason may be that
you no longer have time for each other, or your mate is now
getting old. Is it time to sue for divorce?
Deceit
It may vex you to find out that you are living with an infidel,
a betrayal of trust, and not a friend and confidant. Now,
suppose you find out that your mate lied to you about his or her
history before the marriage? Or what if you find that your mate
was cheating on you -- committing adultery?
Sex
Suppose your partner starts depriving you of sex? Or what if
sex, which was supposed for enjoyment now becomes mechanical?
Some have even used sex as a bargain tool -- buy me a Swiss gold
watch, and I will give you sex!
Some wives have woken up after the wedding day to find out that
their husbands were impotents, or eunuchs. Husbands have also
been told by their wives that they would die if they had sex
together. Because they have husbands who satisfy their sexual
desires in the spirit world! What would you call that?
Superstition
This may also affect your marriage depending on where you live.
Barrenness, miscarriages, unseen attacks, deaths and broken
marriages have been supposedly caused by wicked spirits. Does
this bother you? Maybe not. But know that wicked spirits exist.
Inlaws
If you allow your inlaws to intrude into your family, they may
ruin your marriage. Both of you are now one, and should be able
to solve your marital problems without frequenting your parents,
or relations for advice.
Friends
What kinds of associates do you and your mate have? Are they
unwholesome friends? They will not help your marriage. Know that
bad company can corrupt good manners.
These are some of the things may shipwreck a marriage. They may
not be the case with your family. But know that there is no
perfect family on this earth. So there must be one kind of
problem or the other in your family. Now what are required to
make a marriage successful?
(To be continued)
Copyright ) 2002, all rights reserved
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Thursday, 05 June 2008 17:01 |
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Those who are very young
when they marry have three strikes against them. --PROFESSOR
MARCIA LASSWELL.
Are you ready for marriage? Hold your answer until you know
whether you are qualified to go into it. First know that there
is nothing like trial marriage. When God instituted the first
marriage between our first parents, Adam and Eve in the garden
of Eden, he did not tell them to try it first, and dump it
afterward. It was for life; and nothing would break it excerpt
adultery, or perhaps death. (Genesis 2: 18, 23, 24; Matthew 19:
3 9) So know that this union is for life, and that you will
even go through tribulations in course of the marriage. -- 1
Corinthians 7: 28.
Now how do you answer the following questions:
Do I have great expectations?
That is the first major problem. Because you are not going to
see that wonderland that you expected after the honeymoon. The
scales will fall from your eyes. Consider these life experiences.
We thought that we could come and go, do as we pleased, . . .
but it isnt that way.
Many teenagers get married to play house. . . . but thats not
the way it is.
After I got married I found out that the great thrill of sex
wears off very soon and then we started having real problems.
So do not have great romantic expectations. Childhood marriages
-- physical immaturity, may blur your vision and understanding
of married life.
Am I ready for my roles?
Some people enter marriage without even knowing their roles in
the family. The husband fails to provide material support, and
the wife neglects her housekeeping role.
Married men are reported to be still hanging out late at night,
drinking with friends, away from their wives. Even those who
work hard to maintain the family are frustrated. This is hard
work said one. Will I ever get some relief?
Can I solve money problems?
This is the greatest cause of marital problems. Some can not
provide money to support the family, and where money is
available, the problem is overspending. In the end, families
have become heavily indebted, while others pack to live with
their parents. In extreme cases, divorce becomes the solution.
Do I have a compatible mate?
Being compatible does not mean that you and your partner must
agree on everything under the sun. Or that your mate should be
able to play baseball since you are a baseball star. No.
But if you are miles apart on almost everything -- work,
recreation, attitude, and beliefs, you should know that you are
not equally matched.
Consider one woman who thought that her marriage must work
because her partner was so handsome, so strong, such a good
athlete and very popular. Was she being realistic? No. She was
dreaming of Shangri-La, or building castles in the air, as they
say. The marriage collapsed!
Have I thoroughly examined myself?
So ask yourself if you are the type that can make vows and keep
them. Ask if your goals in life will affect your marriage. Find
out if you can support or manage a household. Check to see if
you are mature to handle trials that will surface later in the
marriage.
If your answers are positive, if you think that you have the
physical, mental and spiritual maturity to go into marriage,
then ask yourself this question; what are the keys to family
happiness? Do you know them?
Now, lets see.
(To be continued)
Copyright ) 2002, all rights reserved
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