|
Sunday, 11 May 2008 08:00 |
|
A few years ago, my three-year-old son and I settled in for the
last stage of his good night routine. It had been a good day for
him, he had been very active and had spent a great deal of time
in the sand and in the water.
Right now he was tired, and I was as well. We lay down together
in his little bed and after a few moments he said, “Daddy, when
I get big can I live with you?” I assured him he could live with
me any time he wanted to.
A moment later he said, “Dad, when you die you’re going to feel
something on your face and it will be me touching your face.”
Then he added, “I will kiss you on your cheek.” He moved over,
kissed me lightly on the cheek and cuddled in next to me.
I was aware of tears suddenly welling up in my eyes and rolling
down my cheeks. I was also aware that I didn’t want to have to
explain why I was crying; as I opened my eyes to look at my son,
I noticed he was fast asleep.
I spent some time just looking at him, savoring the moment and
wondering about the depth of the reaction I had just had. It
occurred to me later that I didn’t remember having many of these
kinds of tender moments with my own father. I felt both happy
for a chance to experience it with my son, and saddened that I
didn’t remember more of them with my own father.
It also occurred to me that this was a time in our lives that
would be extremely short-lived. This time of innocence, and the
magical moments that make up a three-year-old’s life, would soon
be gone forever.
What will remain, however, will be my memory of this moment that
we had together. It was a moment that made all of the difficult
work of being a father worthwhile. It was a moment worth
remembering.
Being a committed father can at times feel like an incredibly
thankless and unending job. It can feel like you are no more
than the janitor, chauffeur, and handyman in the house where you
live. And then you will have “a moment.” A moment like this in
which your child expresses absolute, pure, and unconditional
love for you.
When your kids have left home and you look back at these years,
it will be one of the memories--strung together with many
others--that make up the recollections of your fathering.
As we collect these important memories, it seems worthwhile to
discuss how it is that you remember them--both for yourself and
for your children. Here are some ideas:
•Write a letter to each of your children, in which you remember
the experiences you had with them and also some reflections on
what you were experiencing while they grew up. It can be a
valuable way to remember these experiences, and also a wonderful
gift to your children when they get older.
•Regularly tell your children about some of the most memorable
times you‘ve had with them and some of the entertaining/funny
things that they said or did. Kids love to hear stories about
themselves from their dad or mom, so have a boatload of them on
hand.
•Form rituals around your children whenever possible, whether
it’s for some event in their life or a changing of the season.
Using rituals will be a great way for all of you to remember
these things and to make them more meaningful.
•Start your own parenting journal in which you chronicle the
joys and struggles of being a father. It will not only give you
a priceless piece of reading years down the road, but will help
you to better understand yourself as you reflect on your own
joys and struggles.
•Encourage your children to start their own journal when they
are old enough. This is a great way for your kids to help
themselves process their own feelings. They’ll be more likely to
do it if they see you’re doing it as well.
Many fathers lament the speed with which their kids grew up and
were out of the house. They feel that they’d like to have more
to remember of their children while they grew up.
Videos and pictures are certainly valuable ways to remember your
kids, but they don’t capture what you were experiencing during
those years. Keeping a written record of your reflections during
these years will provide you with a valuable way to capture
these experiences.
There’s going to be a time, soon after your kids leave home,
when all you’ll be able to “hold” is your memories of them.
May you find a way to hold them that honors the precious times.
|
