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Tuesday, 03 June 2008 04:00 |
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Jackass stunts, high school hazing and herd mentality. How can
parents of teenagers protect kids from doing stupid things?
The video clips are disturbing indeed. The melee that occurred
in north Chicago was competing for air time with the Sarasota,
Florida boys who jumped off a 5 story building into a swimming
pool. “Why would they do that?” parents ask. And their next
question, stated out loud or not, is “Would my teenager do
stupid things like this?”
There are no guarantees. Group mentality has affected people for
centuries. The adolescent sense of invincibility wasn’t invented
with this generation. Thrill seeking is embedded in our culture.
What are parents to do?
I have a friend whose son was arrested for arson. Another whose
daughter was arrested for shoplifting, and yet another whose
daughter ran off to live with her boyfriend in a crack house.
Are these bad parents? Knowing them, I can say they are not. Do
good parents have kids that do stupid or dangerous things? No
question about it. What are parents to do?
I say it’s time for parents to practice some “herd” mentality
and get together to make a difference. It’s too easy for parents
to be isolated. It’s too easy for our teenagers, who may think
they are invincible, to humble parents into “non-action.”
Non-action is unacceptable.
Parents will not always be able to keep our kids safe. Parents
will not always be listened to, or obeyed. But parents who don’t
make an active attempt to keep the communication open, to
express and teach their values, to apply some rules and
boundaries, are guilty of abandonment. A majority of teenagers
in America live in households where the parents exercise minimal
– if any - authority. Exercising authority isn’t always easy.
But imagine if the parents got together and talked. Imagine the
power parents could have if they created a forum to enhance
their connectedness and their communication. That’s how safety
nets are formed. Imagine how it could increase the chances of
keeping our kids safe.
When do kids become responsible? When do they no longer need to
be protected from themselves? My daughter is quick to point out
that not all kids do stupid things like jump into pools from
five stories up. Thank heavens for that. But even “good kids” do
stupid things occasionally. What can parents do to keep them
safe?
The answers will only come from parents who take the time to
sort through the challenges themselves. Those who grapple with
the issues, the questions. Those who are willing to live in the
messiness, the ambiguities, the challenges and opportunities
that come with raising teenagers. It’s a big effort. Are your
kids worth it?
Parents should do this together. We should dig in, discuss,
argue even how to raise our teenagers. The answers will come
when we spend the time to examine the questions. Our positions
become clear and easier to articulate and defend when we’ve
discussed them together. We don’t have to agree on how we handle
things, but our teenagers benefit when we’ve invested time and
energy into a thoughtful examination of how we’re raising them.
No parental isolation allowed. Herd mentality… talking and doing
things together. We can take a page out of the teenagers’ book.
You’ve got to dig in and engage. What are your rules, and why?
What limits are negotiable? Which ones aren’t? What does your
kid think of them? Have you helped him/her figure out how he can
live within the rules? What are his escape hatches? Does he buy
into your belief system? Is she likely to engage in some of
these stupid maneuvers?
There are no guarantees. Our kids are likely to surprise us –
and not always for the better. Chances are they will make some
mistakes along the way. But the best chance they’ll have is when
their parents dig in, engage with them, establish a support and
communications network in the community, and let them know we
are there for them. Short of that, you’re leaving a lot up to
chance.
Sue Blaney
Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How
Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride, a guide for
parents and self-facilitated discussion groups. She is reachable
at www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com. Copyright Sue Blaney, 2003
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