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Friday, 18 July 2008 00:00 |
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Fueling the Fires of Passion
What do you do when your marriage becomes routine? For many of
us, the everyday routine of work, childcare, and bill paying
extends to our lovemaking with our spouses. But, no matter how
long you"ve been married, there are plenty of ways to spice up
your love life. Let"s start in the bedroom - the hub of hubba
hubba!
Gentlemen, start your engines
* Decorate your bedroom with pictures of yourself and your
partner. Choose pictures that bring back happy memories of times
you had as a couple. For instance, your wedding, a special date,
or a vacation. Avoid hanging pictures of relatives: family
pictures belong in the family room. It"s a real turn-off to see
your grandparents and in-laws scowling at you while you"re naked
and ready for romance. * Speaking of mood: mood lighting can
work wonders for a bland bedroom. Soft lighting helps to warm
the atmosphere and it makes people look sexier too. You want to
be able to see what you"re doing, without blinding your partner
or having to grope around clumsily in the dark. Install a dimmer
switch for a bedside lamp. Some people like to buy black lights
(UV light bulbs available at Lowe"s or Home Depot) because the
bulbs create the appearance of a sexy tan on your bodies. *
Roses, orchids and other scented flowers can fill your room with
romance. Scented candles-especially lavender and pumpkin-are a
type of aromatherapy that many people find arousing. * Lock you
door! If you don"t have a lock, get one. It"s almost impossible
to lose yourself in the moment if you"re worried that you will
be found out any minute by an intruding child.
Ladies, start his engine
Now that the bedroom is ready for action, it"s time to use it!
Ladies, sometimes it"s best to take charge and turn him on for a
change. Why should he have to instigate everything? Here are a
few tips to get his motor running. * Make the first move and
continue to direct the action. Men get tired of having to call
the plays all the time. Having a woman take charge will be
something out of a fantasy for him. * Arrange a night out, but
keep your plans a secret. What could make your man feel more
special than to have his loved one plan and pay for an intimate
evening together?
Another way to show your partner that he is desired is to play
up the little things. * Leave little love notes in his lunch box
and on his pillow. His coworkers might give him some grief at
first. But, every other man will be wishing his wife left notes
for him. * Demonstrate a bit more affection in public. No need
to embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable. But mini
massages, kisses on the cheek and toying with his hair are ways
to let him feel that he is desired. Let the world know you"re in
love. Let the world - and your man - know that you just can"t
keep your hands off him. That"s a real ego boost for a man.
He"ll appreciate it and feel flattered. * Dress up once in a
while. Toss off the flannel and turn up the glamour. Strut your
stuff and remind him how beautiful you really are. When you were
dating, you dressed to impress and to attract. Dress tonight
like you dressed when you were dating
Every couple has their own ways of showing affection. Also,
every couple needs to be comfortable with new ways of
demonstrating romantic gestures. So, try some of these
suggestions. See which ones work best for you-and for him. Doing
the things you did when you wanted to get married might just be
the things that help you stay married. Turn back the romance
clock, and turn on the fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Alan Stafford,
Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build
relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com
Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest
relationship issue
http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm
Get our free newsletter for relationship tips and advice
http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/subscribe.html ©2005 Alan
Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sunday, 01 June 2008 17:00 |
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Relationship Reality
One of my aims in life is to break down any sense that we are
alone, that our challenges are in any way unique or special.
It"s all just stuff that gets in the way of us being our best,
but just like gum on your shoe, it can be scraped off.
Every relationship you get into is going to move through three
nicely predictable stages. Romance is first up, being of course
the absolute best bit. It"s like the cherry on your cake,
knowing you"ve met Mr. or Mrs. Right and loving everything about
them. The next stage, unless you"re taking some delusional
narcotics, is the inevitable power struggle. This is the time
when we start to establish whose needs come first in the
relationship. Trust me, this is where it gets messy. Do you know
that according to Barbara De Angelis there are four stages a
relationship moves through as it hits this struggle? These are
resistance, resentment, rejection and repression. The power
struggle is a nasty, painful phase and potentially we squabble
in way"s we"re not proud of.
The bad news is that using the examples we grow up with the best
most of us ever reach is the stage of repression. We look around
and realize there are no better options, we love the home we"ve
built together, we"ve got mutual friends, and we"re more
comfortable than we"ve ever been. We then settle for what we"ve
got using the tired refrain, "you just can"t have everything"
and "Oh well, it"s really not that important". Well at this
point I think it"s really important to ask yourself who"s the it
you are referring to?
Potentially, we now have a relationship where we endure each
other and live as roommates rather than lovers. It"s the norm,
most of the people around you exist in it so it"s not surprising
people feel a little guilty when they begin to want more.
Fortunately for those brave souls willing to ask for more we"ve
got the potential for co-creativity, a phrase coined by Seana
McGee and Maurice Taylor in "The New Couple". This is where the
relationship manages to evolve beyond the power struggle into
adulthood and we get back to the place where we can ask
ourselves what we can give to our partner rather than getting
stuck in trying to get our needs met.
It"s not a big deal and the skills you need are in no way
complicated. Most of us don"t need therapy; we just need
strategies that lead to happiness. Take a look at my top tips
for some easy to implement solutions. Let me know which one"s
work for you, I"d love to hear from you.
http://www.therelationshipgym.com/download/relationship.pdf
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Monday, 12 May 2008 11:01 |
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With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a
fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly
blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to
the battle of the sexes.
Would you like to stop searching?
We’ve moved through the old paradigm of getting your needs met
in relationships and it has proven itself to be a miserable
failure. Why? Attempting to get your needs met in your
relationship causes some troublesome things to happen. First, it
causes you to focus mainly on your needs and not on the desires
of your partner. Secondly, it sets you up for disaster because
it has you believing that you deserve something that may well
not be delivered.
All across this great country of ours, battles are raging
between men and women: she needs to talk and connect, and he
needs his space and independence. Who wins here? The answer, of
course, is that both lose because of a flawed view of what a
successful relationship is all about. What also happens is that
both people start to blame the other for not meeting their
needs.
For men who are really serious about success in their
relationships, it’s important to understand how blaming your
partner is an enormous problem itself. It creates a bigger
problem and has you convinced that you are not part of the
problem. Nothing could be further from the truth. Blaming has
never worked and never will. It may have you feeling justified
in your position, but it will always hurt your relationship.
It’s particularly important to develop the realization that your
feelings can deceive you in your relationship with your partner.
This can be difficult for people raised during the honor your
feelings era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things
like, I can’t believe she could do something like that to me,
or, How could she treat me so badly? These feelings are the
result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history
of victimization.
While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you
don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to it
with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings
are a reflection of your own esteem issues. They also have a way
of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that
you can continue to blame each other. When you are both engaged
in the struggle, you’ll believe that she needs to be fixed.
She’ll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses.
This isn’t very smart or effective.
What would happen for men in their important relationships if
they gave up defending themselves and believing their needs
needed to be met? What would happen if they worked at being kind
and caring with their partners? I’ll tell you what would happen.
They’d have great relationships! After all, the only thing that
you can do to improve a relationship is to improve you.
So stop looking over at your partner and seeing all of her
flaws. Stop blaming her. She has issues just like we all do. But
if you see her as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at
a successful relationship. And it’s successful relationships in
life that make us truly happy.
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