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Title: Relationships: Too Easy To Leave Author: Margaret Paul,
Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:
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Copyright: © 2004
by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word
Count: 920 Category: Relationships
RELATIONSHIPS: TOO EASY TO LEAVE By Dr. Margaret Paul
Katheryn and Mathew, both in their 50’s, have been together for
two years. Both have been previously married and divorced. When
they met, they fell madly in love, which lasted for a few
months. Then the conflicts started.
Both Katheryn and Mathew left their marriages because they were
with partners who were completely unwilling to open to learning
regarding the conflicts. Both Katheryn and Mathew wanted to find
a partner who would learn and grow with them. They found each
other at a personal growth seminar.
However, each time a conflict occurs, which is often at this
point in their relationship, they both threaten to leave.
Katheryn is consistently yelling, “I’m had it! I’m leaving!”
while Mathew yells, “Why don’t you just leave!” They each have a
foot out the door.
Katheryn and Mathew are stuck in a typical control-resist
relationship system. Katheryn wants to leave because she is so
frustrated by Mathew’s constant withdrawal and resistance, while
Mathew wants to leave because he can’t stand Katheryn’s constant
attempts to control him and make him responsible for her
feelings.
Leaving is a waste of time for Katheryn and Mathew. Actually,
these two people have exactly what they asked for – someone to
learn and grow with. Both Katheryn and Mathew are willing to
learn and explore at some point after the conflict. Each are
slowly becoming more aware of their end of their dysfunctional
relationship system. If they leave, they have no one to come up
against, no one who triggers their issues, so their issues will
not be addressed until they are in another relationship. Then
the same issues will surface.
The people I work with often believe that it would be easier to
start over with someone else, or easier to be alone. I assure
them that, in my experience, all learning and growing
relationships are very challenging – that all couples who desire
to create a really wonderful and loving relationship have to go
through the trenches of healing their woundedness within the
relationship. It may be easier to be alone, but it’s lonely and
the major relationship issues never get healed.
If you are a person who deeply desires to continue your
emotional and spiritual growth, and you are with a partner who
also desires this, than DON’T LEAVE. No matter how bad the
fights get or the distance gets – except if there is continued
physical violence - keep at it. It’s too easy to leave, to easy
to blame the other person, too easy to miss the incredible
opportunity that relationships provide for healing and growth.
It’s especially important to hang in there when children are
involved. I’m not saying to stay just for the children. If you
are with a physically violent partner, or a partner who has no
desire to take any personal responsibility, or a substance
abuser who has no desire to heal from his or her addiction, then
you may need to leave. But if you have a partner who is on a
growth path, who is willing to explore with you, who is willing
to have counseling with you, who is willing to learn to take
responsibility for him or herself, then leaving is not the
answer. No matter how difficult things get at times, you have a
responsibility to yourself, your partner, your family, as well
as to the whole of humanity to do the learning you came to this
planet to do.
If you are fortunate enough to be with a partner who is, at
least at some of the time, opens to learning with you, you are
fortunate indeed. The relationship will take you to the depths
of your dark side and to the heights of your ability to love. It
will take you where you need to go, so don’t give up just
because it’s so hard. The challenge is to be doing a daily Inner
Bonding practice of going within, connecting with yourself and
with Spirit, and learning what it means to move beyond control,
beyond resistance, beyond punishing the other, beyond threats
and bullying, beyond blame, beyond being victim, beyond
compliance, and beyond fear. The challenge is to be healing your
wounded self and developing your loving adult, which occurs in
growing relationships when both people are devoted to becoming
loving adults. The challenge is to be guided more and more by
your spiritual Guidance and less and less by your ego/wounded
self.
Even if you think that you are open and your partner isn’t, it
would be in your highest good to stay in the relationship until
you are able to remain loving to yourself and your partner no
matter what your partner is doing. As long as you are triggered
by your partner’s behavior, your healing is not complete and
there is no point in leaving. If you reach a point where you are
no longer triggered by your partner’s behavior, you might
discover that your partner has also changed, even though you
believed he or she was not open to learning and growing. If your
partner remains closed and there is really nothing more for you
to learn, then it might be time for you to leave.
Get both feet in there and do your inner work before even
thinking about leaving. Don’t let your wounded self decide your
relationship for you. Don’t leave until you know that you are
fully guided to do so from a spiritual source of wisdom and
truth. Don’t waste this opportunity to evolve your soul in love.
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